Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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