Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
