I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
