you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
