we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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