I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
