Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
