I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His nipple licking is glorious
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