i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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