Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
