So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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