here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
