I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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