...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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