there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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