No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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