I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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