Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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