I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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