I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
