Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
