My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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