News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
