I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
