Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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