worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
