There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
