I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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