I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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