Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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