A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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