And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
