I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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