I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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