I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
3pm strippers are depressing
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
