Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
