life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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