my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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