I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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