You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
time to smoke my breakfast
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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