you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
