I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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