stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
