and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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