I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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