In America we eat man semen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
