Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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