I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
