We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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