Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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