I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
