I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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