Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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