No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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