yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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