I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Pooping to opera.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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