Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
