Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
