dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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