Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
