I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
