I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
